what your coffee order says about you

Welcome to clipboard, a weekly newsletter about hospitality, clothes and Tāmaki Makaurau, Auckland, by Reilly Hodson. This week: what your coffee order says about you as a person, a piece first written for Metro pre-lockdown, roughly a lifetime ago.

roasting your coffee order

“Coffee Culture” is about as inextricable from New Zealanders as rugby, or having very strong opinions about things we aren’t qualified on. Every meeting that occurs before midday is a coffee meeting, regardless of the presence of that particular beverage, and it’s hard to walk more than a few blocks without seeing some terrible coffee pun inscribed on a blackboard. One part of coffee culture that is particularly interesting is people’s attachment to their specific coffee order. Most new cafes have gotten rid of long-form coffee menus, opting for the more simple Black or White, on the assumption that everyone already knows the specific amount of steamed milk and hot water they’re after to accompany their shot. If you’re still a little unsure on the specific difference between a latte and a mocha, here’s an explanation, and the type of person that orders them.

Flat White

A flat white is generally the default order for New Zealanders, because it’s simple and delicious. When in doubt, go with a flat white, and as long as the barista knows what they’re doing, you’ll get a satisfying beverage.

What it is: A shot of espresso with steamed milk that isn’t too frothy (hence flat)

Who orders it: Wellingtonians who won’t shut up about how great coffee culture is there, former ex-pats who didn’t realise what they had until it was gone, people who just want a coffee and don’t want to think too hard about it because it’s early.

Pair it with: Anything, really.

Latte

Latte means milk in Italian, and that’s essentially what this coffee is. The flat white’s milkier, frothier older sibling is a favourite of boomers and small-town cafes that serve french toast with icing sugar, berry coulis, grilled banana and mint sprigs.

What it is: A flat white with more milk and froth, probably served in a glass.

Who orders it: People over the age of 50, people who insist that coffee tastes better in a glass, people who say stuff like “it’s Friday, better make it a large.”

Pair it with: A hearty full English, thank you very much.

Cappuccino

What it is: A latte topped with some chocolate powder

Who orders it: People who think that because the order is in Italian it’s more sophisticated than the above description, people who try to order their coffee in a takeaway cup even though they know they’ll be sitting in the cafe for at least another hour.

Pair it with: Eggs benedict with extra crispy bacon.

Filter Coffee

A filter might be the objectively best coffee order. A single-origin pour over or a batch brew with good beans is the best way to get the complexities of flavour out of the coffee, according to specialty coffee people. If you still think that filter is the gross stuff you get at American diners, I’d recommend giving it another go. As a bonus, if the cafe you’re at does a batch brew, you generally get your coffee way quicker than if you order an espresso-based coffee.

What it is: A black coffee extracted over a much longer time than an espresso

Who orders it: Coffee snobs, Americans, Federal Deli regulars who forget that espresso machines exist at other cafes

Pair it with: A deeply held sense of superiority.

clips

• Buzzy cardigan alert, courtesy of Good As Gold and Parra.

• Also at GAG, Very Good Sunglasses from Brain Dead.

• Charlotte Ryan of RNZ’s Music 101 is bang on about the recent revelations about the abusive culture of the music industry, a story which we haven’t heard the end of.

• Kowtow is having an online archive sale, good finds for people of all gender expressions here.

• Godzilla v Kong looks like the stupidest movie ever made, I can’t wait.

• The only article you need to read about the weird things going on in the stock market right now.

• I did not realise that ‘Drivers Licence,’ one of the most uninteresting, musically speaking, number ones in recent history, was by a Disney star until I read this article, a fascinating exploration of the Disney child star industrial complex.

Long Black

What it is: A shot of espresso with some added hot water

Who orders it: People with tattoos, environmental vegans, hungover hospo workers

Pair it with: Seeded bread with a fancy topping.

Anything with alternative milk

The alternative milk space has exploded over the past few years, as everyone watched those horrific documentaries about the mistreatment of cows in the dairy industry or came to terms with the environmental effects of dairy. Depending on the cafe, you can find milks made from almond, coconut, cashew, soy, hazelnut, macadamia, oat, and any number of others that I’ve forgotten.

Who orders it: People who are lactose intolerant, animal rights vegans, environmental vegans who can’t stomach black coffee, people who just straight up prefer the taste.

Pair it with: Instagram stories shaming people who still eat meat.

Macchiato (Short or Long)

A macchiato is a coffee which has a foot on either side of the fence. It’s sort of a black coffee, but it’s also sort of a white coffee. Most cafes will charge you for a macchiato as if it’s a black coffee, but any barista will tell you that they still have to steam nearly a full jug of milk to get that little bit of foam to put on the top, a point you should note if you care about food waste, which you should.

What it is: A short or long black with just a splash of milk foam

Who orders it: People with commitment issues, people who get a rush from their companions asking them “what is that?” when their coffee arrives.

Flavour Shots

What they are: little pumps of sugary flavoured syrup that make your coffee taste less like coffee

Who orders them: teenagers, people who learnt about coffee for the first time at Starbucks

Pair it with: A picture of the way your barista misspelt your name on your single-use cup.

Mocha 

I’ll admit to having some respect for people who order mochas in public. Undoubtedly the most broadly shamed coffee order, it is also an undeniably yum drink. The illegitimate child of a latte and a hot chocolate, it’s a very delicious, comforting coffee that will no doubt buy you scorn from colleagues, friends and family if you drink one in their presence.

What it is: A latte with added chocolate sauce.

Who orders it: People who are too young to know that a mocha is a “bad” coffee order, people who know that but don’t care.

Pair it with: Your cabinet sweet treat of choice.

That’s all for clipboard this week. If you enjoy this newsletter, send it to your coolest friends and tell your work mates about it tomorrow. I’ll be back next Sunday (or maybe Monday, depending on how I feel, long weekend wise), and until then you can find me and clipboard posting on Instagram. Don’t hesitate to get in touch via email with any questions, suggestions or offers of work. Have a great long weekend!