wedding top tips (from a groom)

Kia ora, and welcome to clipboard, an occasional newsletter for cool people by me, Reilly Hodson. This time, I'm diving into the wedding industrial complex from the perspective of a recent groom.

At the risk of making this my entire personality, I got married in April. It was a single day that needed to encapsulate a decade-long relationship, after about a year of engagement. In the lead up to the big day, my wife and I were immersed in wedding content - TikToks, magazines, movies, TV show storylines, trying to figure out what we did and didn't want to borrow from others' big days. However, I came up against a barrier - for better or worse, our cultural understanding of weddings is almost entirely centred around the experience of the bride.

The trope is that, in a classic cishet wedding the wedding is about the bride, while the groom is battling through, peripheral at best, and resentful at worst. The culture we create reflects this. Think Bride Wars, Say Yes to the Dress, 27 Dresses, the list goes on. For those of us on the other side of the aisle? Wedding Crashers, Ross from Friends, and, of course, The Hangover x 3.

But it's our day too! I was there on that day not because someone forced me, but because I love the person I was going to marry. I was gathering all of the people I care about in one place to celebrate love between two people, one of whom was, gasp, me.

I believe strongly that a wedding should be about both people, and I think we'd be much more positive about weddings if everyone felt involved and reflected by the day. And for me, that definitely worked out - my wedding was the best day of my life so far, and I had a huge amount of fun.

This issue of clipboard is an attempt to remedy that disconnect - wedding content from a groom, aimed at grooms, although I hope that everyone involved will get something from it.

Having experienced exactly one wedding of my own, here are my top tips for prospective grooms:

💬 Get involved in the planning
This is an obvious one - your wedding is your day too, so you should be involved in the planning. Online you occasionally see weddings where the groom has clearly been allowed to dictate one thing - his entrance with his groomsmen, perhaps, or the song to enter the reception to. This can end up making the whole day feel like mismatched, where one section is earnest and considered and one is played for laughs as groomsmen wearing speed dealer sunglasses throw flower petals in the face of guests before a tearful entry for the bride. It's the "man-cave" approach to wedding planning.

Ideally, though, the day feels more cohesive because you planned it together. The day should feel like it was put together by the same unit. I'm not a flower expert, but I definitely went to the meeting with the florist. When you've been a real part of the process, you'll enjoy the day more.

🥳 Have your own kind of fun at the stag do
The popular conception of the bachelor party or stag do is so branded in our minds that even the most chill of grooms feels like he has to go to a strip club, or wear some sort of novelty outfit out on the town. For my stag, we played a combination of mini golf, laser tag and go karting (all of which I heartily recommend revisiting as an adult) before a lovely dinner at Gemmayze St and a dance on Karangahape Road. While we joked about it, I did not return with a new ear piercing or shaved head, and we just had a great time.

🙉 Take advice selectively
As soon as you get engaged you will start to get advice from every corner. I think it's like exposure training for having children. People will come from out of the woodwork to tell you about some trend they saw on Instagram reels, or some non-traditional move they did at their wedding that you just have to do, too.

You don't need to take all of this advice! You are the people who are thinking most deeply about this wedding, and so you are best placed to decide what happens there. Sometimes people will have great ideas, but sometimes they are just saying things on the fly - take charge, and pick the things that you like.

💐 Find trustworthy vendors and pay them well
Our approach to our wedding was summed up in the phrase "we're not choosing napkins." Instead of obsessing over every little detail, we found amazing, trustworthy vendors (see details below!) who knew their stuff, paid them well and let them take charge. If you have the means to do it, this is the best way to make your day stress-free, as the experts will take care of the details and you can enjoy having fun.

👔 Get dressed for the occasion (and consider the second look)
This one's for the boys, exclusively. Your bride is going to be spending a significant amount of time and money on a look for their big day, so you shouldn't be renting a suit that doesn't fit. I identified my wedding as a great opportunity to buy my perfect "one suit," which I now have for wearing to fancy work events, other people's weddings or any other occasion that requires a higher level of dress. Already I'm getting the price-per-wear under control.

I'd also heartily recommend a fun second look. My wife changed dresses after dinner for a more dancing appropriate look, and I swapped my shirt out for one that was a bit less stuffy. You should have a second shirt anyway (you'll almost certainly sweat through the first), so instead of buying two identical ones, maybe try a more fun fabric or style that will transition from dinner to the d-floor.

Last thing on the fit - wear nice shoes, and make sure they're well-polished - I can't believe how many grooms I've seen in beaten up school shoes!

💄 Don't be afraid of a bit of makeup
This is best summed up by Leroy Beckett in this fantastic Ensemble wedding - "I just didn’t want to look like a sweaty ghoul next to [my wife] Justine." You don't want to look like a sweaty ghoul either, so don't be afraid of a bit of makeup - you'll have the photos forever.

I went for a simple tinted serum just to even out the colouring on my stress-eczema-ridden face (hit me up if you'd like the link), and it made a huge difference. I even got my too-cool younger cousins on board.

📸 Prep for the photos (do up your buttons, think about your poses)
In line with the above, make sure you're prepped for the photos. At the end of the day, this is what you'll have left over after it wraps up, so you want to look your best. A key fail I see from grooms is leaving the buttons of their jacket undone while standing up - this ruins the look of a suit, so make sure you're buttoned up in the formal pics.

Posing is also underrated - in too many of my pics I'm sporting an unflattering facial pose because I didn't take the time to practice in the mirror. Don't be the reason you don't pick a certain photo to keep forever.

🗣️ A shout out to our vendors!
To close, a huge shout out to our vendors who made our day absolutely perfect. I would heartily recommend all of them for your big day.

Venue - Mantells Mt Eden
Flowers - Kensal
Dress - Clara Bridal
Suit - Crane Brothers
Perfumes - Curionoir
Makeup - Ruth Baron
Celebrant - Alex Cooper-Cuthbert
Rings - Louis the Goldsmith
DJ - DJ Alisha
Photos - Poet Pictures

That's all for this issue of clipboard, thanks for reading! If you like this newsletter, forward it to your cool friend who has been posting screenshots of the new Charli XCX album on their story. If you want to get in touch with a question, comment or offer of work, you can find me on Instagram or just hit reply to this email.